The common theme I kept hearing about the past few weeks have all been about body image. We all have unfounded complexes about our bodies, men or women, young or old. We shouldn’t, but we do. We can’t help it. Sure, I’d love to lose 5 more extra pounds. But if I don’t, I’m ok with it. I am awesome as I am. My issue has never been about weight. I’ve never asked anyone “Does this make my butt look big?” because I actually like my butt, thank you. It’s fantastic. What I have wished for was to attract less attention to my body.
My breasts started sprouting out when I was in the 5th grade. I was too shy to approach my mom about a bra until the end of 6th grade. Consequently girls envied me and guys stared at me and I didn’t understand why that had to be. Very uncomfortable. I think I carried this into adulthood. I talk about my shoulders being too wide but really, it’s about my upper body being bigger than my lower body and yes, I do have shoulders slightly wider than the rest of my body but it’s because of my breasts that my upper looks so much bigger than it actually is. That’s why I don’t wear v-necks, crewnecks, sweaters, button down shirts. I know, I know. Insert here all your boobie jokes, how I should be thankful and how you always wanted bigger ones, you’re jealous, I look fantastic, etc. etc. Don’t get me wrong. I love them. They are great. We’re besties. I know I look good. I’m just not terribly comfortable attracting attention with or to them.
And it’s not just about the breasts. I’ve always been short and cute. I also have had long thick shiny healthy hair and was “the girl with the hair” and “that cute chick.” I wanted to rebel against the cute and exploited my body a bit during college and wore clothes in a way that people would find me sexy instead. In the end, it was the same. As much as I think I am cute and foxy I just want people to think I’m smart and funny. An older coworker once told me during college that he liked the way I walked. Around the same time a dorm mate mentioned how he liked seeing me in leggings. A stranger once approached me just to tell me I was pretty. Another stranger asked for my number because he thought I was a “classic beauty.” These incidents did not make me feel good about myself but rather made me want to run away and change into baggy pants. Which is just what I did. I bought a pair of men’s Union Bay cords at the Bon and wore them for all of 1995. I bought sweaters at Banana Republic in the men’s section. I wanted guys I liked to find me attractive (and they never did, strangely enough!), not a random stranger. I went back and forth hiding and flaunting. And now? I have a husband so I don’t really feel the need to dress in a way that attract special attention or to dress provocatively or show off or whatever. At all. I think I should look nice, though.
So when I see people being “fixed” by What Not To Wear and hear Stacy yelling at them “You’re tiny! You’re a tiny person!” I think that they usually already know. Just because you’re tiny doesn’t mean you want to prance around attracting attention or emphasize your curves. But I can also see WNtW’s point of view too. Sure, celebrate yourself and your beauty. Accentuate the positive. Look good, feel good. But maybe your body’s “beauty” isn’t for everyone to gawk at? There’s got to be a balance, right? I don’t want to fall into the Janeane Garofalo or Sarah Silverman mold where perfectly cute girls dress weird on purpose because they want you to focus on the funny/intelligent and not so much on looks.
Tricky. I’m a charming little person. And if I have all these weirdo complex thoughts about how I look and how I present my body out there, I can’t even imagine what people who don’t think they are a cute little person go through. I think there are probably several different ideas I’ve mentioned here that I can expand on which should be separate spin-off posts. But that is it for now.
P.S. I said I never cared if I was heavier or not. I lied. A few years ago I gained about 20 pounds. That was not pleasant. So I joined Weight Watchers and lost it all in 3 months. I don’t want to be like Tyra Banks and say “I was in a fat suit for a day so now I know how you all feel!” because I don’t. I’ve never been a large person. But I have experienced rapid noticeable weight change unrelated to pregnancy (and unlike most, I liked being gigantic during pregnancy, it was fun). I noticed then that people always said “Looking good!” “Wow, you lost a ton of weight!” “You look fantastic!” And again, this bothered me because hey, what was I before? I’m the same damn person, stop talking about my body! You would never say to someone “Hey, gained a bit there!” so why is it ok to say “Say, lost a little?”
P.P.S. Does this post make me sound like a totally conceited jerk?
oh. i’m not looking for suggestions on what i should wear to hide/show curves or anything. i already know. and also not fishing for “but you are fantastic looking!” (because i already know, see) i’m just kind of explaining my thought process behind why i do and don’t prefer to wear certain things. sometimes i like to wear fitted things. other times, as jennie S says, i like to just go incognito. just trying to find the balance.
Personally I like to hear a friend be honest about knowing she looks good. So bring more of that, I say.
Catherine thinks the Mariner Moose is “Mine brown puppy, I see it. I wookit brown puppy.” That’s her comment.
Gosh, I need your confidence, Acks. You do look great, Acks. Boobage… Tee hee. I dislike my butt.
I think you’re just fishing for someone to say “you’re smart and funny”. You are smart and funny, you know. Why else would a he-man like myself read this blog-thing?
I’m with Jennie: I’d rather hear someone have an honestly positive opinion of their presentation over self-deprecation. It’s rare, but it isn’t inappropriate.
yes, arthur. i AM fishing for smart and funny. thank you!
poor mariners moose. i wonder what body image issues he has. he’s been called “baseball cow” and now “brown puppy.”
This was honest, funny, and I totally related. I have only recently been able to really be comfortable with my curves. (Thats th plus side of over-40!) Thanks for being up front.
I’m glad you wrote this. I’m always amazed that cute, normal people have residual body impressions from when they were younger. Really in your boob-photo there, I don’t see it as big chest (I don’t notice any size boobs as long as they’re well-dressed) but I do appreciate the waist ratio since I don’t have a tiny waist.
Someone told me when I was young and impressionable that “you can either be smart or pretty, not both,” so I grew up being told I was smart and hearing “not pretty.” This is my own-ass problem, I know, not something to whine about, but it has brought a new dimension to my life to enjoy wearing clothes. I wrote before about whether women do/should dress to attract a man’s attention, or at least I meant too. Since I’m married, men don’t ever say “hey lookin good,” and I wouldn’t particularly want them too, but I do really value compliments from women whether it’s collegial stuff like “where did you get your shoes” or aesthetic comments like “what a great shape of necklace.” On a good outfit day, I don’t feel so much like I’m “attracting attention” but I do feel like I might brighten up the world just a tiny bit more than if I were schlumpy.
yes robin! i meant to include something in there about who i’m dressing for. i’ve shifted from “look at me, ooohlala” in your face thing for men to more of “hey check out how cool i am” nod to women. i’m much happier if a woman asked me where i got my purse or shoes than if a man gave me an appreciative look. so yes, i do like attention if i look nice but not body attention.
“smart or pretty.” yikes. i’m paranoid now about how young girls these days will develop their self image. we try so hard to instill confidence and whatever but they will pick up what they will pick up and if we don’t act the way we speak then they will just replicate our own body issues. i’m speaking of my niece here but if i do end up having another kid and it’s a girl, oh boy. so much to teach them (starting with why “twilight” is a bad book).
I was going to tell you that v-necks are flattering if you are trying to de-emphasize your chest, but if you’re not looking for suggestions….
I just TOTALLY feel your pain. I feel like my boobs walk into the room before I do. I could write pages and pages on the weird comments that I’ve gotten over the years. UGH.
As a result I have a closet full of shirts that are too big (trying to hide, not working when scoop neck is too low), too small (unattractive pulling across the chest), button-downs and turtlenecks I will never wear, and a lot of twinsets (it didn’t really help.)
I think men must notice boob size more than women do
( I guess thats a ‘duh’ ), because, like Robin, I dont notice
very often, unless a woman has a super cleavage top
on, or the boobs are fake – they just look so strange.
Speaking of fake ones, I got to feel one this summer for the first time ( I wont name the owner of them) because i was curious and asked. Very weird and boing-y hard like
flubber, I imagine. Not that nice ! To me, at least.
Anyway, you do look great, and its good that you get to enjoy it ! I am much happier and appreciative of my body and what I do have, now that Im older, as opposed to being so self critical
about what I wasn’t, when I was younger, even though
my figure was cuter then.
As an older woman (70) I Know says, ” You will never be any
younger than you are right now, and in 5 years you will look back and wish you had appreciated how young/cute etc
you are now, so feel beautiful and great about yourself
now ! ( I am paraphrasing ) ”
Good advice I thought.
Btw, I was called ” a piece of plywood” in highschool because
I was so “flat” . It was painful. Ive been told my chest was too small to merit a second date . Those guys can kiss my ass, thank you very much !