Why Get Dressed?

Tra la la, la la la

raisarobin — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 07:11:20 +0000

Winter is over! Okay not really, but I have a rare and precious weekend in sunny California planned for February. How to fit a fabulous three-day wardrobe in a carry-on bag? Sundress time! I only buy dresses that I can also wear to the office — okay not really, but let’s assume that I try — so I settled on these three awesomefest dresstastic dandies from Boden. All look good for walking-shopping-ice tea-in-sandals fun, with leggings if the day is cooler. Back home, where it is cold, I will try to wear them to the office in winter with tights and boots. In the summer maybe to work with slingback heels. All have current colors (our Paris correspondent reports that coral is IN for 2012!). The prints and strike the perfect note of pretty without being fussy or affected (that note which is officially designated, in fashion notation, as “cute.”) All are machine washable and jersey-knit cotton blends that will wad up into little suitcase balls and lose their wrinkles in a hotel room shower. And hopefully, all should flatter a busty little person with narrow shoulders and a little round belly (that shakes when she laughs like a bowl full of jelly).

I emphasize SHOULD FLATTER. I had a deal for free shipping/ free returns, so I got six of them to try on and see how it goes. Boden is killer fabulous but notoriously temperamental with fit. Fingers crossed that one or two of them will work.

Also I love the pattern and color names! They sound like haiku:

Airforce Floating Floral, Mint Sketchy Floral, "Radish.

Khaki Spotted Shadow, Heather, Pewter.

Stay tuned for Part 2, when I try them on and post pictures. That is, I will post pictures if they look good (or at least bad in a good-enough way). Otherwise Aki might have to bribe me to get me to post about it.

Links:

Womens-Siena-Dress

Womens-Jersey-Tea-Dress

Womens-Chic-Jersey-Dress

Womens-Fun-Jersey-Dress

Womens-Woven-Trim-Jersey-Dress

A truth universally acknowledged

raisarobin — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 07:55:24 +0000

I am sure this person has problems. It just seems like they must be really, really different than any of my problems.

A Reader Writes:

I was in my closet yesterday, lamenting the fact (yet again) that I had nothing to wear, when I had a startling realization. It was that I had all these stupid button down shirts occupying prime visual real estate, so I would walk in the closet, glare at them, then walk out again. My husband thinks button-up shirts are the epitome of stylishness and thinks that I look “more dressy” in them. I have a few that I like (mostly the silk ones) but the rest pull and gap and are just unattractive. However, I can’t seem to ditch them entirely because they can look okay on me with a cami underneath and with the shirt unbuttoned almost to the waist. And the sleeves rolled. Who am I kidding? That’s not the sign of good-fitting clo, is it? Maybe they’ll migrate to the upstairs closet until I can get around to a total purge. But isn’t one white button shirt acceptable?

-Veronica, New England

Dear Veronica (not your real name):

The short answer is yes: one white button shirt in your closet is acceptable — if you wear it. The long answer is, dude! Why not get rid of everything you don’t wear (surely someone out there can give your button-downs a loving home — women’s businesswear is always an especially appreciated clothing donation). Why keep clothing around that just festers resentment and guilt through your entire closet? Well, because of fashion rules, that’s why. It’s a maxim dilemma: how much do we stick with the “clean your closet and only own what you really wear” maxim– what if that leaves us only old hoodies and jeans from college. It would keep us in a rut that could be saved by embracing the dressy clothes, collecting basic pieces, and breaking out our potential frump cycle. Is a single white shirt an answer to this? A crisp one?

Every single person absolutely needs one of these in their closet. Except you don't.

I’m not going to hate on all white today: I’m talking specifically about the long-sleeved, all-season, poplin or other classy-ass fabric you need to iron: the BLOUSE. Some of them are called Oxfords. If anyone is still reading along here, I’d love to know if you have one. I don’t think I have since 1992: the same year my mom got me a blazer from the Gap for Christmas because it looked so “Collegiate” to wear with jeans. Yet, it is a “maxim” that everyone needs one. So much so that Entire Articles like this one: The Classic white shirt: a primer* are premised on the assumption that everyone must and will have a White Shirt — it’s just a matter of finding the proper one for you.

The idea seems to be that a Tailored White Shirt can go anywhere — dress up or down — match anything in a pinch. Okay, maybe. But does it look good? Are you happy in it? Does white make you look sick and bloated? And really, isn’t it a little bit presumptuous to insist that everyone wants to squeeze into some boxy, preppy, wrinkle-prone remnant of Early 20th Century Men’s Tailoring? Personally I find them binding and impossible to keep tucked in (even if I wanted to tuck in — not a great look on us “apples,” honestly). It feels fussy to pull a sweater on over them. And I get that structured pieces give a body shape — seriously I dig that — but I don’t like structure too close to my body like that. It bugs, and it doesn’t look all the great on me.

How about you? If like “Veronica” you are debating whether you should hang onto old button-downs — (or keep feeling guilty because you don’t keep looking for the Perfect White Shirt ) — I offer this quick quiz to help:

IS IT NECESSARY FOR ME TO HAVE A CRISP, WHITE TAILORED SHIRT IN MY CLOSET AT ALL TIMES?

1. Are your normal, everyday polo shirts sometimes too casual for the nice jeans you want to wear with patent leather shoes?

2. Do you LOVE accessories — in fact have so many scarves, belts and chic chunky necklaces that you wish you had more coordinating tops to wear them with?

3. Speaking of belts, don’t you hate it when your shirt won’t tuck in, and no one can see your super cute belt? Do you tuck your shirt in to show off your butt? (There is potentially one person reading this who might).

4. Do colors — even taupe, gray, camel, and pale blue — make you nervous?

5. Is your name Clive Owen?

If you answered yes to any one of the above then yes, I get it. You go with your bad white shirt. If you are still rolling your eyes, though, then you’re with me. And you have my full blessing to put the white shirt in the (literal or theoretical, if you don’t really have one) pile of WHATEV clothes. And seriously, another year from now I might be ready to argue that the “collared blouse” ideal is so over it might actually be dated. I will keep a close eye on the continuing tenure of Secretary of State Clinton as a fashion benchmark on this particular point.

But back to Veronica: you’re not off the hook that easily, my friend! Keep looking for comfortable, versatile wardrobe basics that will “dress up” those fabulous New England businesswoman-professional outfits of yours – AND ”dress down” for a pizza-and-movies date night. And how about those tricky Saturday events, like bridal shower for someone you barely know in a restaurant you’ve never heard of ? What if a white cotton Oxford would be PERFECT for that? I don’t care, but I will suggest these:

If you genuinely like the “collared blouse” style, Boden has this washable rayon/silk blend in a flattering cream color. Even better they have it in green, cadet blue, gold, pewter and scarlet! But my personal fave tops are strategically-draped knits in a well-grounded (but still interesting) color. Easy to layer, don’t have to tuck in. Other ideas?

Silk Flower Top in Pewter, $88 at Boden

Peacock Blue Pleated front knit top, Merona for Target, $16.99. Also available in white.

Slub cotton tiered tee in "Shade Blue," also known as "Gray."

*If you are going to quote Jane Austen as is done here, keep in mind that she is usually joking.

I made a shirt

raisarobin — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 17:51:22 +0000

Although “made” might be overstating it. As might “shirt.”

This pattern is Simplicity 2181 “Misses Knit Tops.” It is a fairly simple pattern in that it is only 4 pieces — front, back, and two “overlays” sewn to the sides and twisted across the front. It is difficult because it requires knit fabric (I just realized that any shirt without buttons or a zipper needs to be stretchy enough to pull on). Knits stretch when you sew them, the pins slip out, and they don’t like to crease neatly when pressed. For these reason knits suck and I don’t know why I bother, except I like wearing them and I’m hoping that my skills will improve with time.

The fabric is a “watercolor stripe” knit I got for $4.99 on sale at Denver Fabrics. It caught my eye because of that 2011-is-that-an-animal-print styling, plus these are my favorite colors to wear.

The pattern caught my eye because Simplicity Patterns were on sale for $1 each. If you buy patterns but don’t know this yet, take heed: Pattern pricing (actually everything to do with sewing pricing) is a strange-ass racket. They are marked for sale at $9.99-$17.99 or so. They are always sold retail for 40% (which exempts them from most major retailer coupons “for full price items only.”) Then they randomly (?) go on ridiculous discounts like $1 each. If you’re interested in sewing, spend some time browsing the pattern sites (or better yet, a good sewing site like patternreview.com) and start keeping a list of patterns you’re interested in. You’ll have it handy as soon as you see a “1$ sale” at the fabric store, which is good because everyone will be hogging the Simplicity books. And the last thing any sew-ist needs is more wasted time in the fabric store.

I’ve known for a couple of years now that ruched and gathered tops work best for me. I was happy to see that my style instincts were right on track, there. My technique, unfortunately, is not. The neckline is wonky because I sewed the facing in along the V-neck — I can’t press it flat, so the lining poofs out like some extra-ruffled collar action. Like some kind of Dickey . Seriously my husband trying to be nice said “oh is that another design detail?” NO IT’S NOT, Good Husband, it is just that I’m not finished putting the shirt on! Come over here and give me a hand, will you. I think I need to be more careful stitching the lining along the exact same V as the shirt front. Also I need to follow directions about “clipping curves,” and stuff like that, which always seems “extra” but you know it’s probably in the directions for a reason.

Speaking of directions, the sleeve is messed up there because I accidentally sewed things backwards and had to cut it apart. You can see where a leftover piece of backwards-stuff is still attached. There is no good reason why I sew stuff backwards on accident; I sit there telling myself “Read the directions, Robin! DONT MESS UP!” and then next thing I know, Good Husband is trying to put the shirt on me saying “I really don’t think this can work, like it is mathmatically impossible for it to go on over your head.” OKAY FINE I will fix it. Everyone standing around waiting for the “look at my new shirt” demonstration, please retire and await the next announcement.

Next step: Carefully rip the seam out of the mistakie-place, avoid damaging the shirt, figure out to do with the arm holes. See if I can iron it into something presentable.

Then get ready to wear that baby out on the town. For real.

Simplicity 4927

raisarobin — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 13:47:00 +0000

Attempt 1: Purple floral with blue ribbon pocket trim.

Ok so. Until this summer, my last experience with sewing started and stopped in 1985, when I sewed two seersucker pillows shaped like the letters “K” and “M” (a birthday present for my sister) in junior high Home Ec. I bought a new sewing machine without much of a clue: I was surprised to see my hands remembered the “knob turn/back stitch/ flip up the presser foot” move at the end of a line of stitching. Have you noticed that Diane Keaton does this in Godfather II? Bam! Sewed ya, Corleone! Very satisfying.

But I didn’t find sewing as easy as, say, riding a bike. There’s the “threading” thing and what I’d call the “steering” thing to get the stitches where you need them to go. Singer does have a pretty good instruction book and there’s plenty of help available online. Still, the bobbin vexed me for days. Days of desperately adjusting every tension setting possible, including taking the machine apart. DAMN BOBBIN. I finally realized I had to slide the bobbin thread under that tight little place on the bobbin case, OOPS. Time to start sewing. Lesson learned: To save time, ask questions! Call your mother as early as possible in the learning process. Preferably before you turn forty, although it’s never too late.

I knew my first dresses needed to be EASY PATTERNS and that, if they were going to be cute, I had to use CUTE FABRIC. These are my oft-repeated sewing mantras (the third relates to TECHNIQUE, a whole nother story). So to make my daughter a dress I first turned to Simplicity 4927, a simple two-piece pattern (front and back — really two back pieces and also two facing pieces). No zipper. Sleeves optional. Attempt 1 was a fairly cute purple shift with blue ribbon on the pockets (too wide in the shoulders — Little Missy wears a 4T-5T in off-the-rack but a Pattern Size 3 is too big for her). She likes the lavendar color, but was a little disappointed that the skirt was not more TWIRLY. This is a girl who knows what she wants and it is not this. If anyone wants a size 4-5T lavender shift dress with sloppy pocket stitching (Attempt 1, above), let me know.

Attempt 2

So for Attempt 2, I tried to make the skirt twirly by clipping it and inserting triangular panels to make it “full.” This mostly worked, although the panels fell into pleats which surprised me. I bought some blue ruffled trim, which was adorable on the hem. But it turned out not to be long enough. You know how 2-pi*R is the circumference of a circle? This means the hem of a full skirt is like SIX times the length! Six! So oops I ran out of trim for the hem. I had to cut the skirt to fit, which is why there is blue vertical trim (bias tape) and a bow. Lesson learned: Measure, duh.

Attempt 3

Since that worked pretty well, I went for Attempt 3. This used a cute blue and pink paisley calico. I tried to make the skirt Yet-Twirlier by cutting each panel (the front and two backs) into a wider arc below the waist. This worked in two dimensions — it did look fuller — but when she wore it, it just hung like a potato sack. It also “needed something,” so I added a flounce. This stiffened the hem so that it hangs a little more full-ly, and also has the added benefit of making the dress “Curly” in addition to “Twirly.” Success:

To make a flounce, cut out a "spiral" of fabric. Then it ruffles when you stretch it straight.

Back to the Beginning

deathmama — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:02:15 +0000

"inconceivable!"

i don’t know if you’ve been paying attention but i recently had a baby. as a result i spend a lot of time staring at my son’s face and reflecting on things like how my life up to now came to be, where i’m going now, and other things. for instance, how is it that when i open my closet, there are only *3* shirts in there? and also that i hate every single one of those stinking shirts? how did i get here?

another thing i noticed during one of these baby-staring sessions is that while most newborns are supposed to look like winston churchill, mine looks a lot like wallace shawn.

as you know, wallace shawn is famous for playing vizzini in the princess bride. if you were alive in the 80s you know what i’m talking about:

"all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

vizzini was known to tell inigo and andre the giant that whenever you get stuck on something, you should always go back to the beginning. when you find yourself lost, go back to the beginning. i thought he had a good point. so last night i spent some time rereading my old posts. why did we start this blog? what was my objective? what was my attitude? did i look good? am i where i wanted to be when this all started?

2 years ago, i was wearing nothing but hoodies. that was my uniform. it was easy breezy and comfortable. why can’t i have that again? i can’t even remember why i thought i needed to get rid of hoodie aki. probably because the hoodies i did have were old tattered and pilled. so what if i bought *nice* hoodies? i can haz that back again, right? so that’s another homework assignment for me. get some nice hoodies.

(i have a vague recollection that when we started i had an earnest desire to make this into a good fashion blog. now i feel like we are the fashion equivalent of the onion… people like to laugh though, right?)

Signs of the Apocalypse. Or at least that it’s almost 2012, Dawg

raisarobin — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 13:25:00 +0000

Royal blue polyester "highly suitable for band uniforms"

Things I could not have imagined, only a few short years ago:

1. I am preoccupied about a process called “blogging with Android.” Stop and think about this. Do we totally live in the future now or what? Is this Battlestar Galactica? Will next year we be “Frakking with Cylons?”

2. I am the mother of what appears to be a second-grader (further investigation is underway) and my pay has been cut by 3%. Yes, that 3% that was my clothing budget. All I’ve bought to wear this year was two sweaters at Target. I also bought a pair of pants for Aki, but those turned out to have an unspeakable problem with fit (rhymes with schwamel-toe).

3. I am sewing my own clothes. Gentle reader, I shit you not.

I blame the rain this summer: Too much time indoors trying to glue-gun a baby doll dress out of some quilt scraps. I must have got stir-crazy enough that a $85 Singer “Simple” 23-stitch suddenly looked like the greatest invention in the history of civilization. Turned out the doll dresses were kind of cute. This led my four-year-old daughter to become unbearably envious and led me, out of an inflated sense of competence, to make her a dress for her birthday. The birthday dress actually turned out pretty shitastically bad by all measures. But, I used great fabric and she is adorable. So it passed.

: Exhibit A

Then the summer was over. And suddenly I couldn’t find a suitably chic, affordable, early-autum, warm-weather dress to wear to a destination wedding. I found some adorable red cotton lawn (really lightweight wrinkly fabric) on sale. I found a “sheath” dress pattern. I had many trials and tribulations that I will describe in due time. And somehow I managed to make a dress — or at least a reasonable-enough fascimile of a dress — to wear in public as long as I kept my arms at my sides (Exhibit A). Sometimes this sewing thing works.

: Exhibit B

Other times, this sewing thing does not work.

And all you can do is laugh.

I’M GOING TO DRESS TEH BODY I HAVE, Pt. 2: the sackville-baggins edition

deathmama — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 04:09:31 +0000

so… now that the pants situation is under control, the eye of sauron turns to shirts. we’re operating on the assumption that my current body is the body i’m going to have for a while. i’m dressing the body i have. and right now? i still have the jiggly post-baby blobby jiggles. my goal is not to highlight this area. robin told me that for this body type, “flowy” shirts are good (i think she means baggy sacks). in addition, i have to remember my existing rules about the shirts i wear: cowl or wide crew necks to give my neck a little space but without exposing any cleave, sleeves that do not showcase my linebacker shoulders and big flabby upper arm. if that wasn’t hard enough i now have a new requirement: armpits need to breathe. i do not like fabric hugging my pits. lucky for me the stores are currently filled with 80s-esque wing sleeved shirts. unfortunately it also follows the 80s trend of being cropped. wow, so this is going to be a fun challenge. i need to find tops that will make me look like this:

incidentally, my son went as a bat this halloween. this look is of the moment.

so, off to the bon i went. on the rack, this INC shirt looked HUGE. in the picture, it looks ok. but in person, it really was huge. I needed a smaller size but since it was on clearance the L is all they had. poop.

this had good "flow" but it had a little too much of it, i fear

next up i wanted to try the “distract the eyes” technique. the frills DID cover up my giant tummy. however, since it’s november and i don’t need tank tops right now, this was a no. good to know for future reference though.

also, no one needs to see my shoulders

then i got distracted. this is my “oooh shiny!” shirt. when victims on the tv show “what not to wear” are given the rules to shop by and sent out on their own they often still try to get away with buying clothes from their old look that sent them there in the first place. this is my weakness. leopard. mmm. nothing wrong with them, but sleeveless tops are not what we were looking for today. but i had to try it out. clearance!

another INC shirt, unfortunately one size too small.

it was too tight and the old aki would have bought this anyway in the hopes of “one day, when i lose 5,000 pounds…” but i was strong. i looked down to remind myself that i am trying to hide, not highlight the tummy:

in the foreground is the boob shelf. below is the gut. sad. scary. but also kind of cute, no? no?

i am totally getting distracted here. looking for fall/winter shirts here, aki! this next item, my favorite neckline and the clearance status compelled me to try it on. even though it has horizontal stripes. in colors i don’t particularly like.

surprisingly not bad but not what i'm looking for this day.

OK. FOCUS. moved over to nordstrom in the point of view sales rack. ah, here’s a bat shirt!

it's the right size and color but the fit and fabric were meh for me. plus i could smuggle a couple of hobbits in the sleeveses.

by this point i am really really tired and need to go pick up my son from preschool. the last one was actually my favorite even though it is the weirdest looking on the hanger. what was working against it was the length, sadly. i would like to be able to raise my arms without exposing my stomach.

ta-da! i actually really liked this even with the webby wing attachment and its horizontal stripes. but it was a size too small.

so what am i learning here? i realized that i do like these baggy wings, even though you’d think that as a petite (i’m 3’8″) lady i should probably avoid clothes that only add volume to my body. what’s that about? this is something i need to explore further. i am going to keep on looking. wish me luck!

in the meantime, maybe this should be my uniform.

it meets all my requirements, doesn't it?

I’M GOING TO DRESS TEH BODY I HAVE, Pt 1: are you there aki? it’s me, your butt

deathmama — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 00:10:36 +0000

it’s not that i was too busy to post anything. it’s that i wasn’t buying any clothes. i was pregnant and frankly i didn’t see the point in spending any money on temporary clothing. first i was growing. and then i would be shrinking. and *then* i was going to start buying new clothes. that was the plan. but when am i done shrinking? am i really shrinking? i just had my 6 week post-baby check-up and you know what? i am not shrinking. i am actually gaining. so is it realistic for me to keep wearing ratty old stinky clothes until one day i magically drop 15 pounds?

hello. which way to awesome assville?

then my blog partner robin gave me a wake up call. i’d been stubbornly wearing the one pair of pants that still fit me, which was my 1st trimester maternity jeans. nothing else fit. i wasn’t going to buy anything new. i wasn’t going to fit into my pre-pregnancy pants. so i kept wearing the ONE jeans over and over again. every. single. day. and one day i got a package in the mail: pants. robin had sent me pants. PUT ON SOME REAL CLOTHES, it said. DRESS THE BODY YOU HAVE, it screamed. STOP PRETENDING, it punched me in the face. so i plodded on over to target to return the camel-toe yoga pants in exchange for a pair of jeans on clearance for $1.56. then i wore the $1.56 pants every day. every. single. day. then one day again, robin said to me “don’t you think you deserve to wear pants that aren’t $1.56?”

oh.

yes. yes, i do. thank you again, robin. so last week i treated myself to a pair of nice designer jeans. second hand at goodwill. i’m still rebelling a little because i think i *will* lost some weight and refuse to pay retail to dress my temporary body. but my butt looks good. my butt thanks you. my butt salutes you, robin.

ohai!

up next: shirts

Winterized Sundress

raisarobin — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 05:04:43 +0000

Boden short-sleeved jersey dress (Blueberry Batik) with burgundy cardigan, rust-brown tights, black boots, forest green handbag with braided handle

No, I am not posting just because Aki did. I am posting because I liked my outfit last week! What’s up is, I am not shopping much these days: it’s winter, and I’m being crazy frugal. This makes me crazy boring, unless you think it’s fascinating when people repurpose leftovers into fried rice for dinner and buy cheap beer at Trader Joes. Which, wait, is this also why my clothes don’t fit? Let’s not go there.

So I’m not burning through Nordstrom sales like a caffeine-crazed Marie Antoinette. I did buy a solid pair of black Aerosole boots to replace my previous ones, which lasted about 18 months. I also got a dark green handbag with a braided handle, which is a total $29.99 knock-off but I luv it and I LOVE that color dark green. Thankfully, 2009 Robin stocked up on a bunch of good work clothes, leaving me some good solid pieces to work with (btw if you see 2009 Robin will you tell her to withhold more taxes and cut the cell phone bill?) I can be pretty tenacious with a good pair of wool pants and a cardigan, like I can wear them three days a week if I have to. I try to mix up scarves and necklaces, wear colored shoes as long as it’s not totally swamped with rain outside, and smile a lot to trick people into thinking I’m cute.

And finally I tried winterizing a sundress. I should’ve done this sooner because it was pretty fun. This is the blueberry batik print I got from Boden last summer. It’s loose and forgiving, lots of colors in the print so it was easy to find pieces that worked with it. I wear this burgundy cardigan three days a week. The rust-colored tights aren’t exactly the same color but somehow I think that made it even better. Black boots — yes I know I KNOW I hate black but listen, I’m made of flesh and blood like any woman. And this is what I wear when it rains.

Same dress on beach in summer, San Diego. Wait, it was pretty cold then, too.

Someone shrunk all my pants!

deathmama — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 07:10:54 +0000

The other day, a friend reminded me that I had a blog. Also the other day, I noticed that all my pants had shrunk. There is nothing I hate more than jeans hunting. Don’t get me wrong. I love buying them. I just don’t like looking for them. And who wants to go up a size, especially if that takes you into the one more digit territory?

this is hugh jackman and his dog mochi and it has nothing to with my pants situation

So, with money burning a hole in my pocketses I bravely decided to wade into the ambiguous S-M-L land of elastic waisted comfy pants. U-Village was my destination, because somehow that made it less terrible that I had finally completely given up on myself.

First stop was lululemon. I hate lululemon. That’s not true. I hate the lululemon culture. Everyone, I mean *everyone* is wearing lululemon and if you’re wearing lululemon everyone knows it because the logo is everywhere. I neuharthed lululemon. Also, they are stupid expensive. They are so dumb. But the lemming-follower in me needed to try on their pants, you understand. The first shopgirly girl who approached me suggested that I try their most popular styles “the groove” and “the astro pant” (see, doesn’t that already make you want to hate them?). I tried them on. They were too tight and I looked gross. I tried to slink quickly out of the dressing room undetected but the dressing room girl stopped me and asked me why I was running away. I told her I wasn’t running away from her but from myself and sputtered something about camels and their toes. She started demanding more answers and before I knew it I was back in the dressing room trying on the “relaxed fit” pant. And to my utter astonishment it fit! It fit and it looked good. She even told me my butt looked awesome! They hem for free! Lifetime hemming! They’ll change it into capris or shorts when the hem gets worn! My butt looks good! Hey did I just spend $98 on yoga pants? What the hey!

: i forgot to take a picture in the dressing room because i wasn’t thinking about the blog then. i just googled “lululemon relaxed fit pant” and this came up. let’s pretend this is my butt.

You would think I’d be done now. No. The hemming of the pant takes a week. Walking out of the store without an actual product does not give me a high. I’m always chasing that next high. Also, I had that wad of cash in my pocket, remember? And throwing money around makes me feel powerful and in control. Jonesing for that rush, I headed over to Lucy. By now I’d figured out how to talk intelligently with shop persons. I asked specific questions, pointed at my crotch, and the girl handed me a couple of pairs of their “vital pant” in varying sizes. Bam! Thanks to vanity sizing I was a SMALL and my butt looked good. I’ll take it! I’ll take two! Oh, $79 you say? Then I’ll take one! And the good news is that there are now enough short people in the world to warrant pants to be manufactured in shorter hem lengths and even though I am 3’9″ I didn’t even need to hem these. POW!

: i bought these pants. and the “propel” tank too. it’s very flattering. my original plan was to mess with the aspects of this photo to make me look slimmer but i’m actually totally ok how i look here. and isn’t that the point?

and you know what? i bought this shirt too. the giant cowl turns into a hood if you want. it totally distracts the eyes away from the 7 layer gut.

That was fun. But I learned something too. It’s true that you really do have to try things on even if you think you know everything and you think salespeople serve no purpose. Some of them do actually know a heck of a lot more than you do and they look at customer butts all day long. They are experts. You don’t need to be embarrassed or self-conscious about your body. They can steer you in the right direction. It’s also true that lots of store associates are 25 years younger than you and don’t know crap but they’re not all like that. So, you know, give stuff a chance.

The other point is that if I’m going to be wearing more of these all black pants now I have to be even more careful than before to not sink into the Snape trap. My hair already looks like Snape. I don’t need to go ALL Snape. More color accents. Less Slytherin.

Lastly, no, I’m not going to wear my yoga pants for any exercising at all. You knew that. You totes knew that.